JAV Gossips

[samurai79]

Koharu Suzuki's new twitter :-
https://twitter.com/925tk925

Note the banner image :-

View attachment 1458692

Here's the full uncropped version :-

View attachment 1458693

Supposedly she uploaded this before she locked her twitter :-

View attachment 1458694

Anyone here managed to get her followed to check in on her ?

The drug is Amoxapine:

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amoxapine

 

[jwlim80]

Higher resolution of uncropped image :-



Screencap of known tweet :-


I will not speculate on anything until it is made known on what she actually wrote on her locked twitter account.

 

[ding73ding]

Thanks for not speculating, but obviously we have reasons to be concerned.

Let me be the "bad" guy and do some (anti)-speculation. Thanks to @samurai79 to id the drug. It's for depression. So at least we know it's not a sleeping pill or something that can be used for suicide. But in controlling depression, it's a drug that may cause suicidal thoughts (don't get me started on psych meds).

Also the cut wounds is pretty obviously self-inflicted. Yes I'm gonna write out a lot of obvious observations today, I think it's justified. What does self-mutilation mean? I don't want to guess, but it's not good. At least... we do know it's different from suicide attempt(s). Does she herself know or care the different between cutting there vs. cutting the wrist (which could be life threatening)? I hope she does, so she is consciously NOT attempting suicide.

She recently announced retirement, so it's fairly complicated, that she quits, change twitter account, advertise her depression publicly and then taking her account private (and changing her status from "formerly Koharu Suzuki of AV" to "a common girl"). What is going on? All I can say now is whatever it is, it must be complicated.

Now to speculation lalaland. Of all the AV hottie idols, a few girls stand out at risk to tip over the cliff: Mao Hamasaki, An Tsujimoto and Koharu Suzuki, they are quite different style (and stardom) idols but you don't have to follow their gossip/social media to speculate that they are on the edge. It's right there to see in their performance. Mao's persona is crazy slut, and it seems too real to be just a persona/performance, seems like she's a crazy slut in real too (especially note I meant both "crazy" and "slut" separately and together). An Tsujimoto seems like she hates doing it. It's hard to tell if she doesn't like to fuck, doesn't like the studs fucking her, or doesn't like being filmed being fucked (or worse: she may be one of those girls forced to perform, but personally I doubt the industry would be so careless with her, she's high profile and her persona is already "victim"). Personally I can believe that An Tsujimoto had never enjoyed sex once, not fully enjoy it. Koharu ... I'm sounding like a broken record, she seems complicated. She can play (excellently) a sex-happy slut and also a r***/molestation victim. If I can write something totally baseless, I might guess she's one of those many Japanese girls who were r***ing (it's well documented that r*** is rather common). Perhaps even more than once, by different boys/men. Did those experience affect her decision to join AV industry, I'd guess yes. It seems like everytime she's acting in AV, she's both performing for the camera and reprocessing her (bad) sex experiences. So when I'm jerking off to her vids, I'm both enjoying it and worrying.

I hope nothing too serious or bad happens to any of these girls. One I think of myself as kind and wish everyone on Earth well. Two just very selfishly speaking, if one of them OD or suicide, it's gonna affect my AV fapping experience.

 

[jwlim80]

Koharu's new blog :-

http://himekoha.livedoor.blog

 

[silent1one]

Thanks for not speculating, but obviously we have reasons to be concerned.

Let me be the "bad" guy and do some (anti)-speculation. Thanks to @samurai79 to id the drug. It's for depression. So at least we know it's not a sleeping pill or something that can be used for suicide. But in controlling depression, it's a drug that may cause suicidal thoughts (don't get me started on psych meds).

Also the cut wounds is pretty obviously self-inflicted. Yes I'm gonna write out a lot of obvious observations today, I think it's justified. What does self-mutilation mean? I don't want to guess, but it's not good. At least... we do know it's different from suicide attempt(s). Does she herself know or care the different between cutting there vs. cutting the wrist (which could be life threatening)? I hope she does, so she is consciously NOT attempting suicide.

She recently announced retirement, so it's fairly complicated, that she quits, change twitter account, advertise her depression publicly and then taking her account private (and changing her status from "formerly Koharu Suzuki of AV" to "a common girl"). What is going on? All I can say now is whatever it is, it must be complicated.

Now to speculation lalaland. Of all the AV hottie idols, a few girls stand out at risk to tip over the cliff: Mao Hamasaki, An Tsujimoto and Koharu Suzuki, they are quite different style (and stardom) idols but you don't have to follow their gossip/social media to speculate that they are on the edge. It's right there to see in their performance. Mao's persona is crazy slut, and it seems too real to be just a persona/performance, seems like she's a crazy slut in real too (especially note I meant both "crazy" and "slut" separately and together). An Tsujimoto seems like she hates doing it. It's hard to tell if she doesn't like to fuck, doesn't like the studs fucking her, or doesn't like being filmed being fucked (or worse: she may be one of those girls forced to perform, but personally I doubt the industry would be so careless with her, she's high profile and her persona is already "victim"). Personally I can believe that An Tsujimoto had never enjoyed sex once, not fully enjoy it. Koharu ... I'm sounding like a broken record, she seems complicated. She can play (excellently) a sex-happy slut and also a r***/molestation victim. If I can write something totally baseless, I might guess she's one of those many Japanese girls who were r***ing (it's well documented that r*** is rather common). Perhaps even more than once, by different boys/men. Did those experience affect her decision to join AV industry, I'd guess yes. It seems like everytime she's acting in AV, she's both performing for the camera and reprocessing her (bad) sex experiences. So when I'm jerking off to her vids, I'm both enjoying it and worrying.

I hope nothing too serious or bad happens to any of these girls. One I think of myself as kind and wish everyone on Earth well. Two just very selfishly speaking, if one of them OD or suicide, it's gonna affect my AV fapping experience.

Maybe low pay or refuse to film nasty like okazai's reason for retirement since she did bdsm, lesbian, and tran andr keep goes down to gb, interracial, elderly care, etc like ai uehara, yume kana, yui, and hibiki. She's probably not as nasty or open as them. Also, there are probably personal reason like family and friends rejection/disown after exposing her. It's not like she's happily married like some. Idk if she have "friends" in the industry. Even as bad as sakura Aida said she is, her family still got her back and support her financially from her massive twitter rant.

 

[jwlim80]

Here is what is known based on the few "Koharu's" blog entry. Note that we are dealing with the real nameless girl and not the persona here. :-

1) She is hosting periodical Direct Messaging on her twitter and taking medication to cope with her depression.

2) People close to her are still upset about her career choice and she has lost friends because of that. So she is seeking solace in her followers.

3) Molested at the age of 10 and still traumatised at that.

 

[whitelily]

That's terrible. I assume a lot of girls who work in the AV industry have some fucked up views on sex, a bad self image and/or a very troubled past. I don't remember the actresses's name but she had some very obvious cut marks on her arms and legs. Just imagine seeing that as a co-star or manager... I would feel terrible if I saw that. But.. ey! Money!

Funny that you mentioned Mao Hamasaki. Couple days ago I came across one of her AVs again and I just can't watch anything with her in it. Her eyes freak me out. I always thought Ai Uehara had an interesting look in her eyes, very intense and intimadating(hence why I can't really watch her stuff) but Mao's eyes and whole demeanor are just wtf. She always looks like she's about to lose it mentally in her videos. Could be an act but she looks unstable.

Also, not to sound like a smartass. But those pills can def be used to commit suicide. These are a lot stronger than your typical ssri.

 

[jwlim80]

A translation of her blog entry for anyone that in interested in reading through her rant :-
http://himekoha.livedoor.blog/archives/11211723.html

Hello everyone,

I heard everyone clamouring for me to return to blogging, so here's the reopened blog for you guys.
My Twitter will be updated as usual, but any essay length posting will be done here.
What I will be jotting down will be basically some small talks and random chats. Perhaps even some wild rants if I'm in the mood LOL.

Here's a thanks in advance for all you guys here.

Anyway, I had a appointment at the hospital today and been up since 6 am.
Been lazing around in my room ever since I got back when I got an urge to talk to everybody.
I don't think I'll get much of an audience, if any at all, with this being a sudden weekday daytime broadcast without any prior announcement . Imagine the surprise when lots of you guys turn up.
Some of you may have been using your lunch hour to attend to me, others might have been goofing off at work for me. You have my gratitude in any case.

And during this broadcast , I cried. In return, I've receive a lot of direct message of concern.

Why did I cry ? The reason is quite simple.
I'm extremely touched by everybody's kind comment LOL.

To tell the truth, I've got into a quarrel with some people close to me after returning from the hospital. All because of the nature of my previous job. (You know, the AV stuffs)
To speak frankly, I've become numb to anyone deriding my decision to enter AV.
Because of my choice to do AV, a lot of my friends have distanced themselves from me. My family had also voiced their objection very vocally.
But as mentioned before, no matter the opposition and what others say about me, I can just take things and move on quietly.
Though today I have no idea what got over me, I am not my usual self and bite back at the other parties. Leaving them fuming.

Now that I've cool off,
I've come to understand how I manage to weather everything and throw them off in the past. It was all thanks to all my fans during my Koharu era. They were truly my saviours.
The direct messaging and tweetcasting function had really shorten the distant and allow me to feel everyone's kindness everyday if I want.

So those tears are not of hatred nor from sorrow, everybody can rest easy there.
Now whenever I'm feeling down, I can start a broadcast , feel everybody's usual tenderness and I'll be right as rain.
I'm not sure what I'm trying to get there, but you'll understand, right ?
Now I'm feeling real good every time thinking about that event I've been planning all along.
Since I figure that I will be seeing everybody in person then.
Said event have nothing to do with my previous agency by the way.

Now thinking how I've essentially cried out loud, I'm too embarrassed to kept any recording of that broadcast . LOL
But that is how things are.
Sorry about any incident that I've caused.

Now it's time to retire for the day.
Thanks for the effort reading through all these.
Good Night.

============================================
My thoughts after reading the entry is that, this is extremely sad if this is how she truly find comfort and solace there, from people she never actually meet and know. Still basking in her former glory and living in a dream.

 

[darksider59]

Poor Koharu. Seeing the cut wounds, I thought it was the cat lol. I have cats, and they can do cuts like that. But they are too many on her arm of course. After reading everybody comments, here my thoughts on this :

First, I'm glad that I only follow vanilla girls. Koharu went a outside what I like (old men, r***) so I stopped following her already way before. As I said before, I can't imagine how fucked up are the girls who do hardcore stuff. Ding73ding quoted Mao Hamasaki, and it's the typical kind of girls I'm talking about.

Koharu needs help and I'm at least happy that she also knows she needs it and takes actions to not stay passive about the depression. She should have known that doing AV will hurt her family and friends. Still, parents should be there to help their daughter when she needs it. Same with friends. If Koharu's personnality didn't change when she was doing AV, why leaving her alone ? A good talk would have been the best idea to move on with her past (like "did the staff treat you well ?", "Were you okay with all the themes requested", "how can we help you now ?").
Fans seem to care about her and it's also a positive thing. At the same time, I hope idiots will not try to take advantage of her vulnerability. And for her personnal relationship, same thing. A guy who will listen to her, help her to move forward, in order to live a reliable relation with trust between the two of them (who said me ? haha)

 

[alphaqsilly]

Anyone know what Sena Ayumu is up to these days? Does she have an instagram?

 

[ding73ding]

I started a long post addressing Koharu's crisis and how we the fans feel or do about it...

But until (if ever) I finish it, I want to mention something that Koharu disclosed on her social media months before. It's not directly related but well here goes:

At home in her own private time, she does practices to perfect a skill that's market-demanded for JAV: female ejaculation. Now now... sure a lot of people (especially women) may want to ask how to acquire or improve this skill. I would want to know too, but I have no answer and you probably won't get anywhere asking her. Anyway, female ejaculation is not a common thing, especially female ejaculation on demand and that alone means she's devoted to AV as a career.

 

[sturmtruppen]

*

 

[darksider59]

Come on, it's jav we're talking about. I can't think of an actress who hasn't starred in a chikan/r***/whatever movie.

The plot is important to me. If it's a teacher gang banged by her students, that's fine. I will still not watch it because I prefer 1 on 1 or harem. Among Koharu last movies, WANZ-754 or KAWD-912 are the type of movies I'm fine with (I didn't see them but judging by the trailers). But movies like KAWD-807, hell no. I don't want to see ugly fat dudes on screen. That kind of r*** or chikan movies, even if it's not "hardcore" (for JAV or porn in general), I stay far away. That might help weirdos that look like those dudes to jerk off, but I take care of myself in real life enough to not be that kind of losers. Harsh words, maybe, but hey, not every JAV "fan" has to be fond of seeing girls slapped and humiliated on camera to enjoy a movie. Because yeah, even if I don't know the actresses in person, I want them to be happy with their job and not ending mentally fucked up because they had to be slapped, deep throated by 15 dudes to earn money. To be honest, the girls who do that usually aren't beautiful so they are at the bottom of the JAV actresses list. It's not a theory, just browse the movies and you'll not see a girl like Yua Mikami or Rion being molested and slapped before being deep throated to the point of vomiting.

So, I get it, I'm not the typical JAV "fan", and I'm glad about it to be fair. And no, I'm not a feminist or anything like that, I just want people to be safe, no matter what kind of job they do.
It's kinda off topic (sorry about that), but it can be related to what I've just said. I've seen members from Akiba talking about hardcore JAV (with loli) saying "this is the best movie ever". Then, tons of conversations about some members going to sex services in Japan where you can masturbate behind a glass with a girl on the other side. [I then decided to leave the chat because I definitively around weirdos]. Some guys are so fucked up that one even said "Wow, the girl sent me a message and want to see me again", thinking the girl liked him (the establishment probably takes your phone number). Of course she wants ! If you come back, she will earn money. She doesn't care about you, you are just a customer (and she probably wants to get out of that job as quick as possible).

Finally, about the girls who do hardcore stuff, just by looking at them, you can see how fucked they are (or check their twitter accounts). If Koharu is suffering from depression without even completely crossed the red line (my red line), it's easy to understand that the situation is probably far worst for that category of actresses. A mentaly stable actress would not want to feature in movies where she's brutalized. That lead to the conclusion : the mental state of fans of that kind of stuff is ass fucked as the actresses'.

Long message, sorry about that. I took the opportunity of the concern about Koharu to talk about the industry and the dark side more globably.

Keep in mind that it's just my opinion as a JAV consumer. I didn't write it to start a conflit with anyone.

 

[jwlim80]

At home in her own private time, she does practices to perfect a skill that's market-demanded for JAV: female ejaculation. Now now... sure a lot of people (especially women) may want to ask how to acquire or improve this skill. I would want to know too, but I have no answer and you probably won't get anywhere asking her. Anyway, female ejaculation is not a common thing, especially female ejaculation on demand and that alone means she's devoted to AV as a career.

Which brings up the point of why retire at all ? And this is the part where I present this tweet :-



"From time to time, I have an urge to see my elder sister's face. There are things I want to say to her. But I don't think she cares enough to reply to me.
I've always been hurt. I'm always in pain.
I'm always on the verge of tears"

If she is speaking from her heart, that means she treasure her family. She is in a dilemma where she had to make a choice between the job or her family and that is driving her to despair and depression.

Perhaps her management had noticed the symptoms of depression and made the choice of retirement for her as they do not want blood on their hand. Who knows if the girl will breakdown in the midst of a shooting or event and lead to things getting out of control ?

From that blog posting, we can tell things between her and her family did not manage to improve much and she had turn to her twitter followers for support.

 

[sturmtruppen]

*

 

[cavarra]

The plot is important to me. If it's a teacher gang banged by her students, that's fine. I will still not watch it because I prefer 1 on 1 or harem. Among Koharu last movies, WANZ-754 or KAWD-912 are the type of movies I'm fine with (I didn't see them but judging by the trailers). But movies like KAWD-807, hell no. I don't want to see ugly fat dudes on screen. That kind of r*** or chikan movies, even if it's not "hardcore" (for JAV or porn in general), I stay far away. That might help weirdos that look like those dudes to jerk off, but I take care of myself in real life enough to not be that kind of losers. Harsh words, maybe, but hey, not every JAV "fan" has to be fond of seeing girls slapped and humiliated on camera to enjoy a movie. Because yeah, even if I don't know the actresses in person, I want them to be happy with their job and not ending mentally fucked up because they had to be slapped, deep throated by 15 dudes to earn money. To be honest, the girls who do that usually aren't beautiful so they are at the bottom of the JAV actresses list. It's not a theory, just browse the movies and you'll not see a girl like Yua Mikami or Rion being molested and slapped before being deep throated to the point of vomiting.

So, I get it, I'm not the typical JAV "fan", and I'm glad about it to be fair. And no, I'm not a feminist or anything like that, I just want people to be safe, no matter what kind of job they do.
It's kinda off topic (sorry about that), but it can be related to what I've just said. I've seen members from Akiba talking about hardcore JAV (with loli) saying "this is the best movie ever". Then, tons of conversations about some members going to sex services in Japan where you can masturbate behind a glass with a girl on the other side. [I then decided to leave the chat because I definitively around weirdos]. Some guys are so fucked up that one even said "Wow, the girl sent me a message and want to see me again", thinking the girl liked him (the establishment probably takes your phone number). Of course she wants ! If you come back, she will earn money. She doesn't care about you, you are just a customer (and she probably wants to get out of that job as quick as possible).

Finally, about the girls who do hardcore stuff, just by looking at them, you can see how fucked they are (or check their twitter accounts). If Koharu is suffering from depression without even completely crossed the red line (my red line), it's easy to understand that the situation is probably far worst for that category of actresses. A mentaly stable actress would not want to feature in movies where she's brutalized. That lead to the conclusion : the mental state of fans of that kind of stuff is ass fucked as the actresses'.

Long message, sorry about that. I took the opportunity of the concern about Koharu to talk about the industry and the dark side more globably.

Keep in mind that it's just my opinion as a JAV consumer. I didn't write it to start a conflit with anyone.

Too much armchair psychology and bigotry here. I wonder on which basis someone who like a movie featuring an old man is "weirdo" and someone liking teachers-raping movies is "sane". I could easily argue the opposite with some pointy arguments (if I would play that part).

Also almost every actress in JAV shoot "hardcore" contents (not very hardcore for me, but apparently very hardcore and dangerous for their mental stability according to your views). You stay away from movies like KAWD-807, but this does not change the fact Koharu has shot them. And the same with Rion, eg. SNIS-787 features a lot of the ugly dudes you hate, gangbanging and bukkaking her. And she shot r*** and molestation movies as well.

Finally, I don't remember many girls being "slapped", this is typical of western porn and it is EXTREMELY rare in JAV. Actually JAV is very soft even in its r*** movies, so raising concerns about actresses being slapped or being "brutalized" makes very little sense to me.

 

[darksider59]

There's no logic in what you write. You're fine with a teacher being r***ing by her students, but you're not into fat guys. That's just your own likings.

If Rion has less r*** movies under her belt it's just because she signed for S1. It doesn't mean she's more stable than other girls. The kind of movies they star in largely depends on the maker.

For example, these are some of the latest movies with Minami Aizawa:
View attachment 1460219 View attachment 1460220 View attachment 1460221
View attachment 1460222 View attachment 1460223 View attachment 1460224

They're all about r*** or exploitation. Check her Twitter account (according to your theory) and tell me if she looks FOR SURE mentally unstable. She does not at all.

This movie with Makoto Toda is definitely more extreme than being banged by some ugly guys:
View attachment 1460236

Again, check her Twitter account and tell me what you think about it. Doesn't she look like a normal girl?

The truth is we don't know them. They may be unstable or not. They may be depressed and hide it. There are tons of girls who shoot porn with their bf and are fucked up as well. I really don't see the point in making strange theories. Just watch whatever you want.

No logic ? Okay, I can't explain it more easily than that. I wanted to point out that not every JAV fan (or porn fan) is the stereotype porn addict described by the media (and it's not a stereotype) who have to get his very hardcore content to pleasure himself (and it leads to issues with real life). And those who always want more extreme stuff create a demand for a niche that only fucked up girls will jump into. I watched Pornocratie, a documentary about porn it shows really well how porn addict want always more and what the girls have to deal with (taking medicines because of brutal anal leading to bleeding, stuff like that).

The teacher being r***ing by her students theme feature actors looking like students. It's not hard to believe that an actress will prefer shooting that type of movies rather than doing the same thing (a gang bang) with half bald fat old toothless dudes.

You are right, the movies depend of the studio. And the big studios (so vanilla movies from what I read) hire hot girls because it's what sell the most for the main audience. I remember with the DMM awards (I think) some guys were saying "why is she the winner ?". Because she's hot ! (and has enough skills to entertain the viewer)

Not attractive girls that are desperate to enter the porn industry have to go where hot girls don't. They do anything they can to get paid and when you start with a hardcore movie, it becomes more and more extreme to keep the weirdo satisfied. Emiri Okazaki explained this last point in her interview.

Minami Aizawa is with Idea Pocket. It's a big studio. Same for Toda Makoto. I used to watch both but (especially Makoto) lost interest. There is r*** but the production is good. There is a story. And for example with Makoto's movie, from what I've seen in the trailer, the deepthroat part is different from my loli example. The guy doesn't forced her when she started to gag a bit.

To your question, both girls seem fine to me. They are working with a big studio and their "hardcore" movies are way different. Same for S1 or Prestige (home of goddesses).

Too much armchair psychology and bigotry here. I wonder on which basis someone who like a movie featuring an old man is "weirdo" and someone liking teachers-raping movies is "sane". I could easily argue the opposite with some pointy arguments (if I would play that part).

Also almost every actress in JAV shoot "hardcore" contents (not very hardcore for me, but apparently very hardcore and dangerous for their mental stability according to your views). You stay away from movies like KAWD-807, but this does not change the fact Koharu has shot them. And the same with Rion, eg. SNIS-787 features a lot of the ugly dudes you hate, gangbanging and bukkaking her. And she shot r*** and molestation movies as well.

Finally, I don't remember many girls being "slapped", this is typical of western porn and it is EXTREMELY rare in JAV. Actually JAV is very soft even in its r*** movies, so raising concerns about actresses being slapped or being "brutalized" makes very little sense to me.

It's just that to me, actresses are not a peace of meat but human, so I care to a certain point about their well being. I like to watch movies with an attractive girl smiling and "seducing" me, the viewer. A forced smile is easily noticeable. An Tsujimoto was a good point by Ding73ding. Another example : Minako Komukai. Isn't obsvious that she fucked up ?

About SNIS-787, I have it. Like I said, the production is different. Is she rushed to blow the guys or anything ? Nope. The actors aren't ikemen but they play salarymen. And I don't see any old toothless creepy dude.

For the brutal stuff, Dogma is a good example. It confirms my "theory" about the type of actresse.

 

[Lodestar]

Yeah An Tsujimoto retiring was unsurprising to me. She always had that look on her face like she hated being a pornstar to the point where she couldn't convincingly fake like other girls.

Personally I think the JAV industry with the management is just better at hiding the problems than Western porn. It wouldn't surprise me if the majority of girls had a drinking or drug habit and if a large group had problems with depression/self-harm like Koharu Suzuki. Many of them with stories of childhood trouble.

I'm not here to white knight for these girls and I'm not about to stop watching... it's a performance. I'll keep following releases by the girls who give performances I enjoy. I hope they can figure stuff out... and it must be nice for the girls who become big stars who get the big paychecks. It's not about porn for them but the lifestyle the money from porn brings.

 

[jwlim80]

From my observation, any big agency tend to dump a girl when they spot signs of trouble with her.

We have Aso Nozomu who have issues with drugs, got into a dry spell and then rant about her manager checking on her in the middle of the night.
Tia who have a rebellious streak and tends to shoot her mouth off on her Twitter. She is now sitting cold.
And now Koharu here, who is posting about her disorder online shortly after her retirement announcement.

 

[jwlim80]

2nd entry interpreted
http://himekoha.livedoor.blog/archives/11240904.html :-

I was in 4th grade when I was first molested.

During 4th grade, I enrolled in a cram school in preparation for my middle school entry examination.
It's not that I'm was unable to cope with my lessons.
I might have a bit of trouble with my math, but I've always score full points in regards to my favorite Japanese classes that I thought of myself as being somewhere among the top of class.

And thus I was accompanied by my mother for a try out session at the cram school.
The moment I entered the classroom, everyone starts to stare at me intensely that I lowered my head instinctively.
The atmosphere is truly different from that of my school. Truly.
Fear struck me all of a sudden.
Once the printout have been distributed, everyone raise their pencil.

But what's this ?

I tried to follow the motion. But the questions on the printout had me stuck.
I do not understand. I do not understand the question asked. I don't ever understand a single word.
I tried my best to focus on the printout. And yet I still do not understand anything.
I was sweating non stop. My hands shaking uncontrollably.
This is really different from what was taught at school, truly.

One by one everybody in class prepare to their answers evaluated by the Teacher.
Even as everyone of them gets in line,
I find myself unable to answer even a single question.
My mother next to me whispered "Don't you understand ?" All I could do is to give her an expression of helplessness in reply.
In return, I saw a troubled perplexed look on her face.
I got anxious.
I return to the question, I give it another look, I still do not understand.

Before I knew it, I was crying.
Sobbing out loud even.
But nobody gives any attention to the bawling me.
Everyone had already moves on to the next question and concentrating hard on it.
I was in anguish, being unable to meet Mother's expectation in answering a simple question on what is suppose to be my favourite Japanese.

Now about my molester, that was when I was begin to settle into cram school.
To get back from cram school, I need to take the 8pm train for 5 minutes and exit at the 2nd station.
I still recall the incident vividly.
The man was standing behind me when he was started groping my fully clothed bottom.
Why ?
I tried to retaliate but my body was fear stricken.
I broke out in cold sweat.
Why am I being fondled by a stranger ?
My mind is in a blank.
Minutes feels like hours as he continue his caress.
I can't do anything besides breaking out in a run as I alight at the station nearest to my home.
I can't even tell my family about everything after the mad dash back.

That was just the start of many such cases.
I'm not sure if it's the same person or others like him, it's not even helping if I change my train or the timing that I took.
There was a day where I drag my exhausted body from cram school onto the train.
And soon there was that familiar feel again on my buttocks.

Deja vu

I lowered my head and just blank out.

About everything taught today....
I need to revise my notes, keep them in my head...

The guy keeps on fondling my defenceless back and bottom
I can even feel his heavy breathing behind me.
As he press his crotch towards me.

What's in my mind all this while is the test I will be taking tomorrow at school.
Mother will give me a hell if I don't get anything less than perfect.

Acting as if nothing was out of the ordinary, I got off at my usual station.
Turning back, the door of the rush hour train had already closed.
Both the train and the platform are packed with people, I can't even tell who was the culprit that touched me.
But it doesn't matter anymore.
I find myself starting to "get used to" towards being fondled.
Perhaps that was then that I was getting conditioned to being sexually target that guy.
Being defenceless to everything, I just put everything out of my mind.

Even now, I find myself getting put off by the evening train crowds.
It just bring back to how I was.
That exhausted defenceless young self.