serious question

[HarutoAsou]

While I'm sure interweb forums aren't the best place to discuss this, this is the only forum I post at (I only post at 2 total) where I actually honestly believe there are intelligent members who have something worthwhile to say, so I do have a slight problem and I'd like some opinions. This board is fairly anonymous, nobody really "knows" me that well and the only people I would talk to this personally about live in Vancouver and due to the time difference it's not possible.

2.5 years ago I met a Japanese girl in Vancouver. She actually talked to me first and while I was busy working she came to visit me everyday for around one week straight before asking if I would spend some time with her. She's not an easy girl, so don't get the wrong impression. Unfortunately she was only in Vancouver for 2 weeks for a vacation and I was leaving for Korea 2 days later. We spent time together and held hands and hugged and she left, possibly never to be seen again. She was very technologically incompitent but wanted to keep in touch with me so she got one of her friends to teach her how to use hotmail and facebook. She's one of the Japanese girls that does everything on her cell phone. For the last 2+ years we've kept in touch. Well I went to Japan this past week and finally met her for the 2nd time and things went well the first day. Second day I didn't see her, I just spent time with my room mate from Vancouver. Monday - Thursday she offered to meet me after she finished work to show me around and she wanted to spend time with me. Now, I have a GF in Korea so nothing serious happened but I guess you could say I cheated on my GF. She was hugging my arm, we held hands and hugged while lying in bed (we didn't have sex), we kissed but not on the lips (I was doing my best to resist). Anyways I finally had to leave and when I did it was one of those, not really love at first sight but I really liked her even more so, I had feelings for her. She started to cry after I went through the gates (my room mate told me because his flight was after mine) and she sent me an e-mail saying she wants to visit Korea soon. Now I just spent the last 3 days with my "GF" who I see around twice a month (because she lives in Seoul and I live in Busan, around 3 hour train ride away) and it just didn't feel the same, I found myself thinking of the girl in Japan. Should I break it off with my GF for something that may very well never be or should I try to ride this off and see how things go? Has anyone else experienced this type of situation before?

EDIT: I also met her 2 best friends and she held my hand in front of them and hugged me in front of them...apparently hugging in public isn't something that happens too often in Japan between friends, or at least that is what she told me. At one point her feet were also tired 'cause she was wearing boots with a heel and jumped on my back and let me carry her through Shibuya with many people staring...

 

[guy]

I also met her 2 best friends and she held my hand in front of them and hugged me in front of them...apparently hugging in public isn't something that happens too often in Japan between friends

Yes, this is true. Although she may have been comfortable enough with only those two friends, as opposed to being comfortable enough to hold hands in front of the rest of her friends, or in front of her family. Most likely she has already talked with those friends about you, so that they already know how she (apparently) feels about you.

I can't give you advice about how to decide, but I have to say whatever you decide, you have to make it clear to both of them. It's not fair to pretend to your GF that you have no feelings for anyone else (unless you can manage to overcome it, it might eat away at your conscience), and it's certainly not fair to the girl in Japan if she doesn't know it might be hopeless with you.

I can only assume that having been in close proximity with your GF in Korea, you have a good understanding of her character/personality. For the girl in Japan, I would be cautious in case her apparent devotion to you might be a sign that she needs more psychological support than you are aware you might have to give her (eg: does she have some problem at home she wants to get away from, and thus sees you as her lifeline? etc).

 

[HarutoAsou]

Yes, this is true. Although she may have been comfortable enough with only those two friends, as opposed to being comfortable enough to hold hands in front of the rest of her friends, or in front of her family. Most likely she has already talked with those friends about you, so that they already know how she (apparently) feels about you.

I can't give you advice about how to decide, but I have to say whatever you decide, you have to make it clear to both of them. It's not fair to pretend to your GF that you have no feelings for anyone else (unless you can manage to overcome it, it might eat away at your conscience), and it's certainly not fair to the girl in Japan if she doesn't know it might be hopeless with you.

I can only assume that having been in close proximity with your GF in Korea, you have a good understanding of her character/personality. For the girl in Japan, I would be cautious in case her apparent devotion to you might be a sign that she needs more psychological support than you are aware you might have to give her (eg: does she have some problem at home she wants to get away from, and thus sees you as her lifeline? etc).

No no, I know her fairly well because we've talked for the past 2 years, but we've always kinda flirted online with each other. She wanted to come to Vancouver but the one time she had planned it she got an interview with JAL and got up to the 5th interview before realizing she didn't get the job (5th interview is the last one apparently) and because she decided to go for that job, it interfered with her plans to come visit : /

This is the only way I can justify to myself that it's probably not an infatuation, because I actually do know her personality fairly well. She's 23yo, she has a job, she has money, there isn't really anything wrong with her that I know of at least.

 

[CoolKevin]

I have been thinking about this for ages, you have feelings towards 2 girls, both equally, emotionally the same, in truth you will never know what the future holds, both girls may have equally have the same emotions for you, because none of us know any of the parties involved including yourself, so really we are bad judges, unfortunately this is your call, perhaps, a long shot, I know, give a problem to both girls, and find out who will support you the most, love strange thing,
I guess this is not much help, but it is another thought
It is your own feelings that count, what does your heart say
best wishes

 

[amateur]

I've seen this sort of thing happen a lot and have experienced it myself. Many Japanese women seem to fall in love very, very quickly and will make her mind up that this is a permanent relationship long before the Western guy even has a clue. Did she know from the beginning that you had a GF in Korea? Maybe she has seen the online flirts and your visit as a sign that you had feelings for her. Also, the presence of the friends at the airport is a clear sign that you have been the topic of endless discussion between them, probably for the last 2 years. You need to be careful here because this Japanese girl is taking this relationship very, very seriously.

Guy raised another good point. You need to do what you can to figure how her back story. There are lots of young women in Japan who want to leave for the West. Japan still can be a very constricting environment for women. Their career opportunities are limited and the life of a traditional Japanese wife can be rather grim. My hunch is that she went on vacation to Vancouver with the hopes that she might meet someone. People who decide to leave their homeland are not typical. People make a huge step like that because the find their present lives somehow unsatisfying. As an expat myself, I can say that I've found in the expat communities some of best, strongest, most together people I know, but also some misfts. You'll have to be careful as you weigh this thing through.

As far as the choice between the Japanese and Korean gf, that's tough, and a decision only you can make. My question would be how long you've dated the Korean gf, whether you think this really is "the one" you want to settle down with, etc. Also ask yourself how confident you are that you've got a good read on the Japanese woman, whether it's more than an infatuation for you, etc.

BTW, I have to offer you some kudos for having the willpower not to have sex with a young woman sharing a bed with you, who obviously would have done it in a heartbeat. It's a good thing you resisted, though. She would have seen that as a real commitment on your part.

Good luck!

 

[HarutoAsou]

You know all this talk of serious commitment but it's not something that really bothers me seeing as I'm getting old myself and it'd be nice to settle down. I've seriously date 2 Japanese girls and both did almost everything in their power to stay with me but even though I regret it the distance can make it difficult. One girl I dated for 6 months and we stayed together for 6 months after she left back to Japan before breaking up. The other girl I was with for 8 months and for the first 2 months I was in Korea she came to visit 3 times but it's quiet stressful seeing someone for a week straight and then not seeing them for 3 weeks.

I broke up with my GF in Korea because I felt it wasn't right to lead her on and things were different. The girl in Japan will be coming to Korea for a few weeks and we are going to see how things go. If we want to pursue a serious relationship we can do the hard part first (long distance) and then there is always the possibility of moving to Japan in January when my contract in Korea has ended.

 

[CoolKevin]

I wish you the very best, and happiness in the future, and I hope it works out well for you

 

[amateur]

Thanks for the follow up. I've wondered how this was working out for you. I think you did the right thing by breaking up with your Korean gf if your feelings had changed. It would only get harder over time. I hope this new relationship works out for you.