1. Akiba-Online is sponsored by FileJoker.

    FileJoker is a required filehost for all new posts and content replies in the Direct Downloads subforums.

    Failure to include FileJoker links for Direct Download posts will result in deletion of your posts or worse.

    For more information see
    this thread.
    Dismiss Notice

Sex jokes

Discussion in 'Adult Discussion' started by pogi420, Dec 14, 2006.

  1. pogi420

    pogi420 HG-gang bang announcer

    Alright lets get serious, some girls like crude jokes

    but unfortunatly some of us dont know a lot of them.

    So post them here and we can all raise our chance of getting laid, or more slaps in the face!

    Here is one i know from long long ago...

    3 civil war verteran cam back from the war all with their cocks blown off, so the all headed into the prostetic shop.

    The store owner said he had good news for them, the last 3 strap-ons was still in stock.

    The first veteran got a wooden strap-on.

    Second one got a steel strap-on.

    and unfortunately the third got a 10 foot long one.

    As the next day came all of them went back the the shop to complain

    the first one said "god dang it, my wooden one gave me lady splinters in er corn hole." and he returned the wooden dick.

    the second one said "this er keep gettin' rusty god dang it" and he returned the iron penis.

    when the third came in the clerk just said instinctively, "so ya wanna return that shaft of ye?"

    and the 3rd man said "no i came to thank you, see that woman over there?"

    *air humping motion

    "got here" :D

    END

    ahhh yes i am bored.
     
  2. Denamic

    Denamic Swedish Meat Staff Member Super Moderator Former Staff

    I've got one..

    Two cops were talking in the shower after work.
    "Hey, man. How's the sex with your wife?"
    "It's alright.."
    "I've got a nice trick to 'spice' it up a little. You wanna hear?"
    "Yeah sure. What is it?"
    "First, you hide your gun somewhere really close, so you can reach it when you have sex."
    "Okay.."
    "Then, when you have sex, and you're about to blow, you fire a round. She'll tighten up and you'll feel great!"
    "I'll try it, sure."

    A month later, the second cop came back to work.
    "Hey, man! Where the hell have you been?"
    "In the hospital."
    "Really? Why's that?"
    "I tried that trick you told me about."
    "Yeah? How did it work?"
    "Not very well at all."
    "Really? How so?"
    "Well, see, I did all you told me to do. I hid the gun, and fired it when I was about to blow.."
    "So what went wrong?"
    "She bit my dick off and shat me in the face."

    Tranlated directly from swedish.
     
  3. peacius

    peacius New Member

    ill be working on one.. i know i have some up in my noggin...
     
  4. stupid1

    stupid1 New Member

    okay i heard this from my cousin:

    3 guys were sleeping in a row. then the man on the right and the man on the left wake up suddenly. they both told each other they had one of the best dreams.

    right man: woah in my dream i had the best handjob

    left man: woah same here

    man in the middle wakes up

    middle man: i had the funnest dream. i went skiing!
     
  5. dublin1066

    dublin1066 the Dying Gaul

    A young, very innocent prist, right out of the seminary, gets his first assignment in a far off town. As soon as he gets off the train a prostitute says to him "hey father, blowjob 20$".
    He walks on and another pro tells him "blowjob 20$". When he gets to the church he asks a nun, "whats a blowjob"? The sister says "20$, same as in town".
     
  6. barba

    barba we all make mistakes

    a priest and a rabbi met on a train one day. after riding in silence for a little while, the priest decided to break the ice. he turned to the rabbi and said, ‘i see that you, like myself, are a man of the cloth’. the rabbi nodded in acknowledgement. ‘and like myself, you are travelling and are now far away from the normal duties and responsibilities of your office.’ again the rabbi nodded. ‘i was wondering, as we share a common bond but are unlikely to see each other again, i was wondering if you could answer a somewhat personal question about you and your religion.’ the rabbi shrugged noncommittally. the priest continued. ‘it is my understanding that in your religion, it is considered a sin to eat pork, something i do with regularity. i was wondering, weren’t you ever curious… did you ever succumb to temptation?’ the rabbi thought for a moment, then responded, ‘normally, i do not like to speak of such things. but as you say, we share a common bond and are unlikely to see each other again. so i will tell you that when i was a young man, curiosity once got the better of me. i put on regular clothes, and took a bus to another town. and there, in a restaurant, i ate a plate of roast pork. but i never did again because, after thinking about it, it was not so good as to go against the tenets of my faith.’

    the priest pondered this in silence for a moment when suddenly the rabbi said, ‘i too was wondering if i might ask a somewhat personal question of you and your religion’. well, turnabout is fair play and so the priest nodded. the rabbi continued, ‘it is my understanding that in your religion, it is considered a sin for a priest to marry or partake in the pleasures of the flesh, something my wife and i do with regularity. i was wondering, weren’t you ever curious… did you ever succumb to temptation?’ the priest thought for a moment, then responded, ‘like you, i do not usually speak of such things. but as we share a common bond, i will tell you that as a young man, curiosity once got the better of me. i too put on regular clothes and took a bus to another town. and there, in a brothel, i partook in the pleasures of the flesh. but i never did again because, just as you once judged, it was not so good as to go against the tenets of my faith.’

    the rabbi pondered this in silence for a moment, then turned to the priest and said, ‘well, it's better than pork’.
     
  7. barba

    barba we all make mistakes

    a man goes to a doctor and complains that he has a problem with his penis. the doctor says, "all right, take off your pants and let's have a look". the man refuses. the doc says, "i can't help you if i can't see the problem". the man says. "no, you'll laugh". the doctor assures him that he is a professional and sees things like this all the time. the man says, "promise me you won't laugh". the doctor promises and the man finally relents. he takes off his pants and shows the doctor the teeny-tiniest little penis that he's ever seen. in spite of himself, the doctor can't suppress laughter and bellows out a big "HA-HA-HA-HA!!". the man cries out, "see, i told you that you'd laugh... it's been swelled up like this for almost two weeks!".
     
  8. FlashSwordIrene

    FlashSwordIrene New Member

    There are 3 gay men walking up to the local funeral home each man is carrying an urn of their dead male lover. They knock on the door and the attendant there opens the door and asks them what do they need.

    Man 1: I would like you to spread my lovers ashes all over the mountains, as he was an avid hiker and mountain climber.

    Attendant: Sure Ill be glad to. (takes the urn)

    (Man 1 walks away)

    (Man 2 walks up to the door)

    Man 2: I would like you to spread my lovers ashes across the ocean. He was very much into the wildlife in the sea.

    Attendant: Sure thing (takes the urn)

    (Man 2 walks away)

    (Man 3 walks up and hands both the urn and a bowlful of baked beans)

    Attendant: Uh....sir what is this bowlful of beans for?

    (Man 3 blushes slightly saying)
    I would like you to pour my lovers ashes into that bowlful of beans and stir it up.

    Attendant: Why is that?

    Man 3: I want to feel him tear my ass up one more time.



    :dribble:
     
  9. SexGhost

    SexGhost New Member

    im sorry but...i do not really get your joke FlashSwordIrene =.="

    is it because im too inexperienced to comprehend it ?
     
  10. FlashSwordIrene

    FlashSwordIrene New Member

    Two gay males obviously have anal sex right? when one is dead and his ashes are poured into the bowlful of beans and the living male eats it. and the guy saying he wants to feel him tear his ass up one more time. what usually happens when one eats a bowlful of baked beans? ^_-
     
  11. SexGhost

    SexGhost New Member

    owh...i get the joke now...the reason i do not understand earlier is because when i eat a bowl of baked beans, nothing happened to me lol
     
  12. FlashSwordIrene

    FlashSwordIrene New Member

    Well this one is a little limerick/poem not an actual joke :sarcastic:


    Abraham Lincoln was a good ol man
    He jumped out the window with his dick in his hand
    He said to the lady, Im doing my duty
    So pull down your pants and gimme some b00ty


    :byebye:



    hehehe
     
  13. barba

    barba we all make mistakes

    Q: what happened when jesus went to mount olive?




    A: popeye kicked the shit out of him.
     
  14. Gaiarth

    Gaiarth Member

    A man walks into a bar, orders three whiskeys and knocks them straight back. After a minute he orders three more, knocks them straight back, then three more.

    When he orders another three the bartender says to him, 'Whoa buddy, slow down. What are you drinking like that for?'

    'Well', the guy says, 'I suppose you could say I'm celebrating'

    'Celebrating what?' asks the bartender.

    'My first blow-job', says the man.

    'Wow', the bartender says, 'if you are drinking like this to celebrate it must have been on hell of a blow-job!'

    'It was ok I guess, the guy says 'but I just can't get the damn taste out of my mouth'
     
  15. onehunter

    onehunter New Member

    A long one. *ahem* pun not intended.

    WBAM FM Chicago - Mate Match
    On the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago, the DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match." The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers yes, he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

    The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

    One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:

    DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

    Contestant: (laughing) "Yes I have."

    DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando,Florida if you win. What is your name? First only please."

    Contestant: "Brian."

    DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

    Brian: "Yes."

    DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"

    Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

    DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

    Brian: "Sara."

    DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

    Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

    DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

    Brian: (laughing) Yes, she's at work."

    DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

    Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

    DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"

    Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

    DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

    Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

    DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

    Brian: "About 10 minutes."

    DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

    Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

    DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"

    Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

    DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

    Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her Mom is staying for a couple of weeks..."

    DJ: "Uh huh..."

    Brian: "...and the Mother-in-law was in the shower at the Time."

    DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

    Brian: "On the kitchen table."

    DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this. (3 minutes of commercials follow.)

    DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?" (touchtones ringing)

    Clerk: "Kinkos."

    DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

    Clerk: "This is she."

    DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

    Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

    DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo...do you know the rules of 'Mate match'?"

    Sarah: "No."

    DJ: "Good!"

    Brian: (laughing)

    Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

    Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."

    DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?"

    Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

    DJ: "All right. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

    Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

    DJ: "What time?"

    Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

    DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

    Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

    DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question,

    Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?"

    Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

    DJ: "Where did you have it?"

    Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"

    Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

    DJ: "What is bothering you so much,Sarah?"

    Sarah: "Well, it's just that my Mom is vacationing with us and..."

    DJ: "She saw?"

    Sarah: "BRIAN?!"

    Brian: "No, no I didn't..."

    DJ: "Ease up there, sister. Just messing' with your head. Your answer, please?"

    Sara: "Dear Lord...I cannot believe you told them this."

    Brian: "Come on, honey, it's for a free trip to Florida."

    DJ: "Let's go, sister. We ain't got all day here. Where did you do it?"

    Sarah: (short pause) "In the ass."

    (long, long pause)

    DJ: "We'll be right back after a word from our sponsors."
     
  16. reingiolt

    reingiolt 二マ...

    onehunter - damn that is funny, they should have gotten at least a consolation prize for that
     
  17. barba

    barba we all make mistakes

    one day in the garden of eden, adam says to eve,
    "eve, i've been thinking. let's get married."

    eve considers this for a moment and replies,
    "no. no, i don't want to."

    adam, somewhat taken aback, asks,
    "oh. why? is there someone else?"
     
  18. blackjoker39

    blackjoker39 New Member

    Something really shocking happened in a public bathhouse.
    So the cops came immediately to investigate.
    As soon as they barged in to the men's bathroom, they saw 3 kids.
    The officer asked the kids what were they doing just now,
    and they answered:

    Kid no.1(boy): My name is Tommy, just now I was just playing with bubbles.:goodboy:

    Kid no.2(boy): My name is Timmy, just now I was also playing with bubbles.:goodboy:

    Kid no.3(girl): My name is Bubbles......:flattered:
     
  19. blackjoker39

    blackjoker39 New Member

    Man: Can I buy a condom??

    Salesgirl: Sure, can I hold your penis to measure the size??

    Man: Sure!!

    Salesgirl: Let's see... give him a M size.

    Salesgirl2: Okie...

    Salesgirl: No, wait... Give him an L size.

    Salesgirl2: Okie...

    Salesgirl: No, hold it... I think we should give him XL.

    Salesgirl2: Okie...

    Salesgirl: Oh, Shit!!! Give me some tissue.

    Salesgirl2: :surprised:
     
  20. blackjoker39

    blackjoker39 New Member

    A man went into a sleazy bar and saw a very attractive prostitute.
    He went up to her and asked: "Hey, babe... how much does it cost for a handjob??"

    Prostitute: "100,000 dollars..."

    Man: "You gotta be kidding!!! 100,000??"

    Prostitute: "See that big car out there?? I earned that with just a single handjob."

    Man: "Is it really worth that much? Alright, I'll give it a try."

    The prostitute then gave the man a really good handjob that he could never forget.
    The man thought: "She's really good, its really worth 100,000 bucks."
    He went into the same sleazy bar again and saw the same prostitute.
    This time, he asked: "How much does it cost for a blowjob?"

    Prostitute: "500,000 dollars..."

    Man: "WTF?!! 500,000??"

    Prostitute: "See that big building across the street? I earned that with just a single blowjob."

    Man: "Is it really worth that much? Alright, I'll give it a try."

    The prostitute then gave him a really good blowjob. So good that he nearly passed out.
    The man thought: "She's really good, its really worth 500,000 bucks."
    He went into the same sleazy bar again and saw the same prostitute.
    This time he asked: "How much does it cost to have sex?"

    The prostitue then brought him to the beach and pointed at a small island far away.

    Prostitute: "See that island over there??"

    Man: "No Way!!! Don't tell me you earned THAT from having sex with someone!!!"

    Prostitute: "Of course not, but I would have...... if only I had a vagina."