Difference between what I find erotic and what I want from love

[Sakunyuusha]

It's very hard for me to explain this topic in words, so I'll just write up the two lists instead. I think you'll figure out what I'm trying to say once you read through them both.

Some of the things I find erotic:

• when women who had successful careers going for them -- be they happily-married housewives, be they teachers, be they nurses, or be they scientists -- are transformed into lustful sex slaves, i.e. before they had a successful career going for them and now they're just another one of the sluts in a kingpin's harem of whores.
• when women realize the pleasure of sexual experiences they had previously believed to be repulsive (e.g. anal sex, molestation on the train, use of aphrodisiacs)
• when women succumb to sex through influences like hypnosis, aphrodisiacs, etc. I'm not talking coercion here: I'm talking that they genuinely are alarmed by the fact that their mind is saying "No! This is wrong! ... but my pussy is aching for his delicious cock!"

Some of the things I want to do with my lover:

• snuggle. Like, just rest my head on her breast.
• Or maybe rest my head on the pillow, and with my arms wrapped around her I'll just stare deep into her eyes forever and ever and ever.
• perform together some of the things which we both enjoy (e.g. she sings while I play piano, or she and I both play a video game together)
• have sex which is considerate of her emotional and physical well-being
• I want her to truly know how much more I love her, the person, and not her body, the sex object -- even though I love her body too!

End Part 1.

 

[Sakunyuusha]

Begin part 2, because most of you have a phobia of long-ass posts.

Now that I've given you a very abbreviated list, I can go ahead and make these statements and maybe they'll be clearer to you:

1. My fetishes tend towards the "women as sex objects" end of the spectrum but the things I want to do with my lover tend towards the "women as kindred spirits" end of the spectrum.
2. My fetishes are hardcore, but the things I want to do with my lover are softcore. For example, the thought of inserting my penis into my lover's asshole against her will is emotionally distressing and distasteful. I would never do that. I would never r*** my wife. I would never want to cause her to suffer. But in hentai, I think it's more erotic when an unwilling woman becomes addicted to anal sex (which, duh, requires the scene to play out such that she was telling the guy "NO!" but he ignored her and penetrated her asshole anyway) than it is when a seasoned veteran opens her butt up real wide for her boyfriend to fuck her up the ass for the 374th time.
3. I worry that on the one hand there are a lot of men who tell me that "real life isn't like hentai" and therefore it's unrealistic to expect that a woman would want for a man to do things that she tells him not to. On the other hand, I worry that there are also a lot of men (and women!) who say that women are often turned on when the guy is assertive and when he does things his way no matter what; or that for a lot of women it kills the mood if they have to explicitly ask their boyfriend / husband to do certain kinky things for them. They say "if he just does it, then it's erotic; if he asks to do it, it ruins everything." Sort of reminds me of the whole "you don't ask to kiss a girl; if you do, it ruins the mood" mentality.
   
   So, with specific regards to the chasm separating my hentai fetishes and my dream marriage, I'm really confused and really fucking torn. I guess what I'm getting at is in the final bullet below.
4. There are women in this world who want men to fuck them the way we see in hentai. Even if they are few in number (say, 1 in 10,000,000?), they exist. Let's just say, even if it's wrong. The point is, those kinds of women are likely to be uninterested in marrying a man who is going to want to snuggle, have softcore sex with them, not want to hurt them, not want to cause them physical or emotional pain, etc. Those kinds of women (with all due respect) probably have very little self-esteem and see themselves as sex objects. On the other hand, you've got women who would love to marry a man who will never force himself upon her, who will always ask her for consent before he explores various parts of her body, etc. But these women, by definition, don't fit the hentai fetishes. They're never going to say "yes" if I ask to do them in the butt. And I don't want (repeat: DO NOT WANT) them to have sex with the UPS guy or with their father-in-law (my dad!) or with their brother-in-law (my brother!), etc, even if that sort of stuff happens all the time in hentai and is pretty fucking hot. It's like ... when adultery happens in hentai, it's erotic; but if adultery were to happen to me, I'd be distraught; and I would also never want to cheat on my own wife. It's like ... I'm torn between sexual fetishes in fiction and sexual aims in the real world.

Say what you will about me being fucked up, weird, a loser, an idiot, whatever: but I thought I'd ask like-minded people what they felt about this. Thought I'd ask 'em if they too have thoughts like these. Or if you guys are all like, "Pfft, no way, man! My fantasies are exactly what I want to do in real life too!" In which case ... ; ... because a ton of you have some pretty fucked up fantasies and you fucking know it! XD

 

[Sakunyuusha]

Triple post, I know, but I just wanted to say what today's trigger was for this recurring thought of mine. Today, it was this video game commercial's song. I'd never heard it before (sorry!!) but fell in love instantly and-- well, the lyrics REALLY resonated with me. It contains references to a lot of actions which are exactly what I picture when I imagine what I would like to spend my time doing with my lady love. Here are the lyrics for you. As you can see, they describe a pretty "softcore" romance from hentai's POV!

In the chilly hours and minutes,
Of uncertainty, I want to be,
In the warm hold of your loving mind.

To feel you all around me,
And to take your hand, along the sand,
Ah, but I may as well try and catch the wind.

When sundown pales the sky,
I wanna hide a while, behind your smile,
And everywhere I'd look, your eyes I'd find.

For me to love you now,
Would be the sweetest thing, 'twould make me sing,
Ah, but I may as well, try and catch the wind.

When rain has hung the leaves with tears,
I want you near, to kill my fears
To help me to leave all my blues behind.

For standin' in your heart,
Is where I want to be, and I long to be,
Ah, but I may as well, try and catch the wind.

 

[redrooster]

oh, this topic...

Most women, most men just want to be loved and sex is a part of love, but when there´s love there are many moments without sex too, many many...:grassdance:

Some women, some men just want sex, nothing else, they care a shit for love...:spit:

There are enough of both kinds, but if one of a kind meets one of the other it´s an adventure only in most cases, hardly something else, but many marriages get divorced due to that reason, because people do not see this and just live for the moment or just want to get what they think they´ve missed (with the one they love), brain switched off...:nosebleed:

Porn is just a bunch of acrobats, taking hair off the view, put the ass just in front of the lense, as rein would say men are too noisy, indeed in porn mostly the women are...:yell:

Porn is the Ferrari in the shop window you hardly can buy, your Volkswagen sex at home perhaps has more character and you may be loved for it...:hurry:

Porn is porn, far away from real life for most people, Sex at home may become more exiting trying to practice what you´ve (both?) seen in porn, but don´t break her neck and don´t get a lumbago yourself trying to replay any acrobatic scenes...:battered:

Animation (hentai) is far away from real life and far away from porn, it´s just beautiful fiction playing games nobody gets hurt as nobody exists in real life, you can issue environments and characters and stories nearly impossible in real life and you can use your own fantasy...

I´m a fan of hentai animations, I´m watching porn too, but I like most to have sex with the one I love, more than anything else...:shake:

Porn is always young, there are always new generations of actresses and actors easy to be found.

But you grow older, there will be a time when there perhaps is no sex anymore - it still just happens only in your fantasy, but perhaps there still will be love, if you have taken good care for it in advance and you have the luck to be able still to share it...:love:

 

[momotatamo]

Everyone has various conflicting fantasies. This is not a bad thing...

I was always turned off by r*** or force. A total turn off. But guess what, the woman I married thought such things were a turn on in her erotica books.

I have a mom fetish, I never told any girlfriends about it, never even discussed it online I was so ashamed of it. When I thought I would marry my wife, I decided to tell her... you know what she did? She laughed and said it sounded fun.

If two people can be honest and open with each other, they can help each other even when they are not into what it is the other needs.
My wife and I roleplay her fetish once in a while. It took a while for me to be able to stay hard, but now I know what she likes and it's fun to do once in a while. She does the same for me and it makes me so damn happy.

Only thing I would say is to make sure you find someone who you can REALLY be honest with... a friend of mine fell in love with a very religious woman and even though they married, it is not going well. They are from such different backgrounds that they have a hard time being honest and communicating. She thinks sexual fantasy and exploration is mostly sinful... and as such he is a very sad guy. So be careful, just because you fall in love doesn't mean things can really be open.

 

[Axandra]

Really cool post, Sakunyuusha. I'm late at the party but I'll chime in, with your permission.

There are several things I've learned so far involving love, sex, and fantasies, like:

• to keep them separated in my mind; that way I know where I'm heading to when I contemplate some course of action.
• to discuss them with my partner; I've been blessed with some real quality relationships, where exploration per se (anal, threesome, public, SM, etc.) wasn't regarded as a mortal sin.
• never to be pushy, and always respect my partner's stand; these are sensitive matters, no matter the bravado one may display; fucking amazing where patience and discernment can get you!
• to refrain from judgments and from coercion of any kind of my partner; if something doesn't click between us (and 'apparently' can't be solved), it's nobody's fault... or maybe mine, since I didn't correctly appreciated the situation.
• people change, attitudes change, perspectives change - everything changes... and I am no exception. Plus, curiosity tends to win, he-he!

All in all, I count myself as a lucky married guy from the point of view of sexual activity. My little Japanese is a real cracker in bed, and I'm glad I'd read her correctly from the beginning, peering behind her mask of shyness and innocence. She likes to do it in pretty any imaginable way, she enjoys watching and being watched. She's also a tender, loving woman, both intelligent and smart, but that doesn't stop her to enjoy some porn, casually. And thank good, old Universe, she's impermeable to religion, which makes things much, much easier for both of us.

As for your adultery remarks, I don't know. I gather that this is a recurring topic in hentai? I'm deep into mature/milf porn, and I find the 40+ housewives so fucking appetizing! and also enjoy the family theme in porn, but that's just as far as I would go about the latter. Yet I used to harbor some really kinky fantasies about a menage a trois: me, her, and her sister. I told my wife about these and, amazingly, she entertained the idea. I clearly remember a good fuck when she talked aloud about it, imagining herself liking my balls while her sister would ride me reverse cow! Now let me tell, that was absofuckinlutely cool and, while I can see that this wouldn't have technically constituted adultery for me, to her it must have felt as close as it gets. So? The bottom line is what's happened, not what we wished it'd happen. Nothing to affect our mental state: we're sound and sane, both of us. (I reckon that reading lots and lots of Heinlein must have also influenced my thinking.)

Finally, I think cheating is stupid, and it only reveals guilt and impotence (as in the inability of handling situations one created or got oneself into). Why not just share, if one's looking for refreshments? Say "I wanna stick it to that office lady" and, if you are able to attain your goal, share with your partner. No guilt, no remorses, no binding commitments, or worse. But, as I said, I am of the opinion that cheating is lame and it has less to do with sex and more to do with the relation. Then why waste time looking for the wrong cure to the wrong disease? I really don't get it.